Breakneck Speed

It has been just over a year since I typed the last entry in this journal, and that takes my breath away. I remember so clearly what it was like to write that last entry, and the fact that a year - 1/80th of my life expectancy - has passed between now and then is too much for me to really take in.

So, life is going by faster than I had planned on.

The big changes I've experienced are these:

1) I'm more in love with Holly than ever, and we've grown through the hard times.
2) I am an engineer now, and have real responsibilities in this job.
3) Holly and I live in a new city, and a new state, and attend a new church.
4) Little Zorro the mouse has passed on, and we've taken in two hilarious dogs.
5) Time is moving even faster than before.

It feels like just a few days ago that I flew to Houston to interview with my current employer (it was 6 1/2 months ago).

I just don't know what to do with this thought, other than trust God more. None of us lasts that long. None of us will find real safety, security, or fulfillment here, apart from in God.

The real safety that I want is timeless - hallelujah.

Starting Out!

It is so easy for me to rush through life, careening from one project to another, and not taking time to enjoy any of them. I enjoy life more when I take time to savor the feeling of being alive, and to reflect on the people, experiences, and things for which I am grateful.

My goal in starting this journal is to slow down, to enjoy the life that God has given to me, and to make plans that lead to peace and happiness, for me, my wife, family, and friends.

I search almost constantly for wisdom, thoughts, and information, but I spend almost no time actually implementing any of them. I certainly have enough outside sources and opinions to consider, and I will definitely link to some of those in the entries to come, but my real goal is to find and see my thoughts, my heart, and to compare this with what is true, and with what God has lovingly said.

Here is what I aim to consider, what is true for me and everyone else in the world:
1) The internal life - what I strive for, dream about, and seek after.
2) Where my time and effort goes. God has said that this is where my heart is.
3) The external life - organization, finances, and fitness. All of these are certainly a reflection of the inner state, for me at least, but probably you too.

Socrates said that "the unexamined life is not worth living," and Micah 6:8 shows what we all must seek in examining and living our lives.

"He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?"

This is it!

Here is my goal then: to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with God.
And to write it down so I don't forget what I learn.

End of Summer!

Tomorrow is my last day in this internship, and I am very pleased with how the summer went.

A few highlights!

1) Holly and I had a great first anniversary. We visited Quartz Mountain State Park in southeastern Oklahoma, and finally got to relax for a bit from all of the crazy travel that our two jobs have required.

2) As of tomorrow, my internship will be finished! It was a great summer filled with learning, field experience, and time spent planning actual projects that had an actual impact on my company's bottom line.

3) I started playing bass guitar in June, and will be playing with the worship band at my church this fall. I really enjoy the bass, and it is definitely the instrument for me. I've mostly been practicing by playing along with hymns and learning to feel the chord changes, which is a new direction for me, but very helpful.

4) I've spent a lot of time thinking about organization and productivity, and feel really motivated to clean the clutter out of our campus apartment! Holly is definitely on-board with this goal, and I'm looking forward to seeing what our apartment looks like with the unnecessary stuff all gone.

5) I'm sad about friends leaving for different cities and grad schools, but it will be good to keep in touch and to meet up again whenever they return to Tulsa. I know that people moving away is a part of life, but I still wish we didn't have to.

Pictures

Here are a few thoughts about life that have been on my mind lately:

If you aren't enjoying what you have now, don't think that getting more is going to solve anything.

Every single day is as significant and totally full of opportunities as the best day you've ever had.

Everyone you'll ever meet is insecure and needs to be loved, including you.

You can be that person who brightens someone's day, or saves their life.

Massage is very good for you (this one I really like : )

11211 = 101*37*3. Oh my.

This year is already wonderful, and I can't wait to see where it goes.

I'm actually going to read "Leaves of Grass" by Walt Whitman this year !?

A few years ago I actually made an oath that I wouldn't.

I love the bullet-point style of composition, but it is rather harsh on readers (sorry!)

I am reading again, and loving prayer again, and I feel so fortunate every day!

Holly, I feel like time moves faster than I want it to when we're together, and it seems like everything goes by so quickly, and I want to notice everything we talk about and every look you give, and the comfort and joy and brightness I see when you smile.

I have three boxes or granola bars and a tremendous desire to come home.

I love life and living and seeing the changes and feeling them.

And those are all the snap-shots I will record for today.

Delicate hints of - is it prunes and ... crab ?

This pretty much says everything I have to say, so drink it in, and drink it somberly.

Today was totally great. I met so many fantastic people, a few of whom will receive mention here!

Greg - Totally cool fellow. Absolutely kind.
Jason - Researcher, got my contact info and wants to set up a lunch to talk about internship at awesome company!
Dan - Voice instructor / opera singer / environmentally conscious Christian.
Buddy - Been in the industry forever, taught us about virtue and commitment.

Talked to Andrew a lot, got disconnected a lot, but kept on reconnecting.

Also, I have a new favorite coffee shop drink!

Peace all, give me a call if / when you want to, cause I'd love to talk to you all day, promise!

On Living Abroad

I've been in Houston for just over three weeks now, and I have just started to get my thoughts in order.

I think there is something about being away from everyone you care about that messes with your schedule and your desire to get things done. In the evenings I usually just cook something, read a little bit, call some friends, and get ready for bed.

I don't know how much of it is because of the fact that I don't really have that much I have to do here yet, but I should find out soon.

I ordered the textbook for my Dynamics class next semester and got the problem numbers from the professor, because I want to try to get the homework all done before the class starts in the fall, that way I won't have quite so much to do.

My schedule for next semester looks like it is going to be very hard, and I'm not happy about how scheduled and careful I'm going to have to be with my time.

I am most likely going to have class from 9:00 until 3:30 on MWF and work from 11:00 until 6:00 on TTH, and with all of the homework for those classes, I will more busy than I've ever been before. If this is going to be a good semester, a few things are going to have to go the way I hope they will:

1) My time management is going to be superb.
2) My work ethic will not flag, even for a moment.
3) I'd better get every homework assignment done!
4) I need to have Dynamics out of the way.
5) I'm going to really appreciate the care and love of my friends.
6) I will have to be intentional about when I read, relax, and read the Bible.
7) Seriously, those things aren't just going to do themselves.
8) Oh right, I need to get to bed at a certain time each morning.
9) I'll need to have a really good study partner system for my eng. classes.
10) I'm looking for scholarships in every corner.
11) I want to make time for my friends and to be free to hang out.
12) I think maybe I can do it if I start every assignment immediately.
13) Maybe something where I divide work up into several days.
14) Actually that's a great idea.
15) Harry Potter comes out soon!
16) I can't wait until you get here, Holly.
17) Are some friends coming down this summer? I think Matlock and Jasper are!
18) I am much stronger at Go than I was last summer.
19) I'm going to go beat some of the people who used to be stronger than me...
20) I'd also like to still make it to the gym a lot.
21) Maybe I'll go in the mornings.
22) You were totally right about me needing a meal plan, btw.
23) I wonder what I'll be doing at Samson next fall?
24) I think I'm kind of abusing this list and making it a stream'o'consciousness.
25) Oh well. I miss you all! Say "hi" on the comment section if you are a good person.

Kevin!
(Missing you all a lot)

Nothing Better

I just received a sudden and rather jarring reminder of our shared mortality. A coworker sent me an email containing the phrase "I hope to see tomorrow!"

She probably meant to insert the word "you" in there somewhere, which would mean something entirely different, but as it reads, it forced me to examine the fleeting-ness of this life.

Now I am listening to "Nothing Better" by dcfc. "Tell me am I right to think / that there could be nothing better / than making you my bride / and slowly growing old together?"

"Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future / and your heart won't heal right / if you keep tearing out the sutures."

This is what I get for listening to such sad music all the time!

I saw a man reading a Bible at the bus stop today, and it occurred to me how rare that is these days. Actually, someone reading is pretty rare too...

Summer Mk 1

Well, I made a promise to write in this this summer, and also I'm just really in the mood to, so here goes.

Also, I dropped my computer during a terrible Rube Goldberg-esque chain reaction of bad fortune, so now whenever I try to type any word with a "t" in it, I often get a "tt." (TThis is whatt itt looks like when tthattt happens.) I try to proofread it, but one or two of them are probably going to slip by me, so brace yourself!

Relevant facts regarding my present state that may not be intuitively known, but which I will reference extensively in the coming entries!:

1. I am in Houston working for Chevron again, and will be here until middlin' August.
2. I think middlin' is the best adverb in the universe, but forgot about it until just now! I feel like I found something I'd lost : )
3. I am kinda tore up about my computer being messed-up, my iPod dying, my car briefly dying, almost losing my phone, and thinking that I'd overslept work by three hours (as it happens, it was 9:30 p.m., and not 9:30 a.m. the next day, but that is not easy to know when you wake up confused and !panicked!
4. Umm, Ben Folds and Switchfoot !For!The!Win! and I can't believe I just typed that.
5. I went to the sea today and drank some wine-cooler and oh I see now that's why was so sleepy!
6. The job I have with Chevco is pretty much exactly what I want to be doing. Last year I had a ?strange! assignment that had very little to do with my major, but this summer I'm exactly where I want to be, so I'm happy about that pretty much to the max : )
7. I also miss a certain Georgia girl like crazy, but I think I can survive, but it'll be close!
8. Also, who else is madly excited about the Transformers movie and the new Die Hard coming out pretty much at the same time? I AM SOOOOO THERE! A few UltiGuyNights ago, we watched Die Hard, and I am still yearning to die yet harder, so this looks to be my chance!
9. DANNY COMES HOME IN THREE DAYS!?!?!?!?!?
10. I will be here, working : ( !?!?!?!?
11. But I do love $!$?!?$!?$$$$$$$$

Love, Kevin

PS: My playing style in go has changed completely, and I'm having a lot more fun with it than I have ever before : )

More Adventurous

More Adventurous

Dear Universe,

I am in Italy now, and I enjoy it a lot. I'll be back next year, and I know that then I will have to start working again, which I'm not excited about.

Actually, I'll make a list. I think that few enough of you read this that I won't be putting myself in any danger by writing it down. You readers are wise and true (as far as I can tell!) so I can use any advice.

I am not excited about:
1) Having to work and do well for another semester.
2) Dealing with my personal failings.
3) Making money to stay in school.

I am hopeful for:
1) The work God is doing in my heart and my life.
2) Climbing, drinking tea, coffee, and wine.
3) Getting closer to other people and finding my path.
4) The world to come!
5) Trying to read my Bible.
6) Planning a life and trying to find it!

Number 6 is kind of a repeat of 3, but it is something that is often on my mind, and I'm so unsure of the future, and nothing that I set down is ever really certain, because anything can change.

I know that the only thing that will never e'er change is that God is good and that He loves me, and it is here that peace and hope are to be found, and every time I look for it elsewhere I'm doing wrong and am going to be frustrated.

Oh it's all pretty nerve-wracking!

But there are times when I am feeling God's love and everything is taken care of and I'm totally at peace. Oh I wish now was one of those times.

-Kevin-

Family Vacation

I've been missing Danny a lot lately. Earlier today I was sitting on the couch when my uncle yelled "everyone ready to go?" My first thought was to find Danny and see what he was up to. Next I realized that he was in Italy, and he was probably sleeping. I'm glad that I will get to spend some time with him during the Christmas break! We've bought our tickets and reserved a hotel room, and all that is left to do is to finish the semester, pack my bags, and jump on a plane.

My family is certainly eccentric, and sometimes quite awkward, but it is significant to me that these are the people that I am closest related to on Earth, and the ones that would be disappointed to see the family name come to an end.

Great things I just thought of

Here they are:

This is the coolest sentence that could ever be. Fathom:

"I intend to commit mail fraud."

Hahahahahaha.

Also, on the subject of Go (the game I am obsessed by):

Lee Sedol (my #3 idol) said

"I don't actually like killing my enemies' groups, but they keep invading my territory."

Wow. That is bravado!

Also, just played a teaching game with my padawan, and she has gotten sooo much better. I wonder when it happened? Did Go knowledge just need to simmer around in there for a while?

Also: And I'm excited that David Moore and myself are going climbing this week. Ohhhh so great.

For the interested: I went to a Bluegrass Festival yesterday, and it was about as magical and summertime-y as anything I've ever experienced. Mmmmm.

San-Ren-Sei!

This feels good. I have a new go-playing style, and it is called San-ren-sei, meaning "three stars." I won't bother you all with too many details, but believe me when I say that it carried over into real life today. Today's been a good day, futures won and fortunes lost.

Stopping for a moment, I realize that all I really want to do here is say what I like, and maybe find something good inside of it. If none mind, I won't celebrate humiliations on this forum, and neither will I discuss private things to any great extent. Those are the subjects of talks at coffee shops, which are an entirely different medium. All that I need to say at present is that I am eating crackers with cheese and Vietnamese hot sauce while typing with my computer resting on my Go board. I really love this board. It is beautiful and true.

And to my friend,
Forgive me for not going to bed yet, but I had those impressionable freshmen over and was treating them to whatever food I could find, and they have only recently gone, but now I will start on my plan to get bed-ward.

Night!

Hairi to Moro ga Tsuki

More Adventurous

Today was a really good / long / terrifying / interesting day, and I am telling the truth about every single one of those.

The day started with me going downtown for my exit interview with a senior engineer, and next an interview for next summer. I had to be downtown by 8:00 am, and I woke up late at 7:15, and left the house at 7:35. I have no idea how (but a pretty strong feeling providence was involved) but I made amazing time, not hitting a single stop light downtown, weaving nimbly between juggernauts and delivery trucks, and navigating the parking garage impossibly quickly.

At 7:59 am I stood ready for the interview at my (hopefully) future boss's cubicle, and the interview commenced. It went wonderfully.

Next, I went back to my normal office on the far side of town (sooooo much gas, but then again, I do sooo love petroleum : D ) and once I arrived, I finished up my performance review and two of my projects, and emailed it all off. We had two visitors in from another office, so my manager took them and everyone else in our department out to lunch at Pappadeaux's Seafood Kitchen. It was amazing. I got some Brazilian salmon or something (I distinctly remember that it was salmon transported an alarming distance solely for my enjoyment.) It was unreal. It was very good.

All of that food gave me a terrible case of The Itis, and I really needed a nap. Sadly, napping mid-day is not a part of the Chevron Way, so I did without.

Next, I chilled, typed, etc, and then end of day, so I went to Wall~de~Morte and picked up a calling card, more juice, and some ice cream.

Next, home for a few minutes, a much-needed phone call, and off to a sushi place downtown (I travel an unreal amount.) I got some sashimi, which was kind of weird for a uncultured guy like myself who has trouble with big slabs of uncooked fish. I managed, but would have done better with some standard sushi rolls. Noted. Also, my green tea there was kind of a bust. At this point, I want to talk to you, Asher, about what happened. Please call me if you can. Now, I'm home again, typing and about to go to the sleep. I have some Bruch clarinet thing playing in the background and a delayed-Itis-induced foodnap calling down to its silent depths.

I was shocked about something I learned about myself today. I think this whole sin-nature thing is a real drag.

Information Security

More Adventurous

At work, I was quizzed about internet security. One of the choices in a quiz about what to do when you encounter a virus on your computer is "make a copy of it and take it home for further analysis."

Hey! That might be a proprietary virus, and you just made an illegal copy of it. Bad move. Stealing viruses is a crime. I also like how industrious a worker would have to be to do that. Hahahahaha.

Taco Bell Philosophy

More Adventurous
While I was sitting in a Taco Bell today, I took time to look around at all of the other people in the restaurant. Many of them were middle-aged Caucasian men wearing button-down shirts and trousers, and with little computerized name badges hanging off of their belts, just like me. (Unlike me, they all had pretty heavy-duty middle-aged paunches and stomachs.)

Anyway, they looked like members of the engineering crowd, or at the very least programmers or something, and they were all eating tacos, fueling their bodies, and making money to sustain their chosen lifestyles. Basically, they were me in a few years (but paunchy. I'm not gonna be paunchy. Someone will pay, if I'm paunchy. I even hate that word. Yech.) ANYWAY! Forgive me for falling off-subject so easily.

I realized that on some day, some day that I can probably even imagine pretty clearly, I will be dying, and all of my worldly accomplishments or lack thereof will fade and disappear, having no further importance. I don't say this in a nihilistic way, or even in a discouraged way, because it is in this that I find so much comfort. Every day my understanding of God's goodness and of my own inability to make myself good grows. As this happens, my mind moves further and further from the pursuit of glory and riches, or even acceptance, and takes hold more firmly of the joy that God gives to all who trust him, and this is the peace that he gives to me. The word of God is holy and good, and it fills my heart like I know nothing else can. In no hidden place, anywhere, in this life or the next, is there something better than God.

That's not to say that some of his gifts to us aren't pretty wonderful...